I'll let you in on a little piece of information that not many people know about me.
I have never fully processed the reality of loss.
My first experience was two years ago when I lost an uncle. It wasn't hard-hitting for me because we weren't close, but I think it was seeing my mum grieve him that made it an awry experience for me. It made me fear death. Every day when I wake up first, I check to see whether everyone is still breathing. When anyone calls my mum, I'm always holding my breath hoping that it isn't anything to do with the passing of my Grandad.
My Grandad has always been old all my life, but he's only gotten older with time. He walks slower now and has started to develop the kind of diseases that come with old age. His face is more wrinkly but I thank God he still has his beautiful pearly whites and a moustache that reminds me of Puss in Boots. He's still pretty sharp, though. What relieves me is that he isn't fully dependent on us to care for him when he no longer can do everything for himself. It would break my heart because seeing him come from a point of macho-ness to a frail person would be traumatizing.
Losing my Grandad will hurt more because I'll witness my mum grieving once again, and also because I love him.
This reminds me of my parents. I cannot believe that they are growing old, too. I remember making my mum a gift for her 38th birthday and now, that's about ten years ago. She's always had strong eyesight but now, she's got her very first pair of glasses - her reading glasses. She can't take on a lot of work lest she gets back pains. The same goes for my dad. They now so often forget a lot, and it's worrying me.
I can't imagine losing them, you know?
It seems that time hasn't been sitting still. And I think I might have a problem with that.
Even though I have always had the occasional thought of growing old and having a life partner (who has always been faceless in my mind), I have never thought that I have been ageing. My memories from primary school are starting to fade away and I am surprised that I can only recall about ten names of people from my class in high school. That, in its brevity, has been my life, and now that I am creating more memories, it seems that there's too much to remember all at once.
I don't know if I have been thinking that I will stay young forever. I mean, the same soft voice I hear in my head when I think is still the same one I've always been hearing since I can recall. Well, one never notices that they've been growing older until someone else points it out, I guess.
Sometimes, I think God put me in a Gerontology class this semester for me to process and accept that. I honestly don't look forward to them because who wants to have one day of the week where you're reminded that you are a mere mortal?
When I look at the human life cycle, I think I fall into the adult category. However, I still consider myself an older adolescent because I'm not fully grown yet, as far as my brain is concerned. Looking at things from the societal construct of how my life "should" play out (unless I decide otherwise), I am in my fun and carefree phase because I'm not working; I'm just enjoying a life free of major responsibilities. It is expected that after school, I start working to sustain myself. It would suck if I got into a field that I have zero interest and passion in. Fine, but that's it? Afterwards, there's the expectation to get married, have children and raise them, work, retire and then die. Woah.
I have a faith I ascribe to, but sometimes I wonder if eternal life is assured. What if there's just no waking up then? I know that the Higher Power loves me, but sometimes I also wonder if I'll enjoy Heaven (I am tough to please!). I am curious to know the replacement of life and I hope it'll be good. I know I might have a good cry alone at night sometimes because of the hardships of this life, but heck, I also have had a taste of the beautiful things life has to offer! I love this life!
Anyway, I cannot tell why I romanticized becoming an adult. It sounds boring. And again, speaking from a point of privilege, I love this life. I'm so disappointed that it has to end. In a previous school of thought, I was wondering if there was a point in living at all. Why get a taste of the good things in this life only to lose everything in the end? It's not like you'll be reminiscing about your memories when you're rotting in your grave! If you don't exist, it won't hurt knowing that you missed out on all that because you knew nothing about it, right?
But maybe, just maybe, what makes life beautiful is knowing that it doesn't last forever.
It seemed like I was complaining about finding myself here, but there's nothing I can do about it. Instead, I think it is better to experience life in its totality than not to exist at all; to experience all the pain, love, successes, failures and pleasures.
I might still struggle with loss and accepting the hardships of life, but I think I am happy to be alive in my day and age. My Gerontology lecturer might be able to talk about her deceased parents casually, and someday that'll be the case for me. It has to be. My Grandad might be getting older than the hills, but at least he loved his life and lived his dream. That's a reason to celebrate.
I truly miss being a child (another thing I have been mourning on my birthdays since I turned 18), but I realized that I have to accept the period I am in. I am a pre-adult and it's ok. Remember how I mentioned the societal construct of how one's life should play out? Social media has helped make this world a global village and through that, I think that you can agree with me that there's a lot of information on how to better your living experience. It is from consuming what other people from different corners of this world do with their lives that has broadened my mindset and made me hesitant to be confined to the societal 'cycle of life'.
The reality of ageing and death has made me want to be intentional about what I'm doing with my life. I certainly am not getting any younger worrying about something that'll never change. I just want to be happy with what I will have experienced when my time comes. That is all that will matter then.
If you are interested in appreciating what I do, you could buy me a Ko-Fi here.
Comments