I cannot say with certainty that friendships have always been my thing. That could be attributed to my shy nature since I was a young girl and a few burns here and there.
Speaking to new people wasn't my cup of tea, and how I amassed friends in my childhood is a mystery to me. Making friends in kindergarten was child's play (no pun intended) but it became a bit challenging for me to befriend people in primary school. However, the beautiful thing about my former classmates was that they befriended me. I still have that memory of being the new pupil and they surrounded me, asking what my name was and fighting each other over the chance to help me learn the ropes.
In high school, I settled for being a friend to everyone. That was something that got me the position of peer counsellor in my class. It was safer that way, in my opinion. I acknowledge that the transition into a new environment was difficult for me and that was my coping mechanism. I knew I couldn't handle any conflict, so I was agreeable until I finished high school.
What about now?
This blog post's purpose is to inform you about how the narrative has changed and the moves I am making to expand my circle of friends.
I have some childhood friends who are active participants in my life. We've traded everything, from how we're finding adulting and so much more.
I just think that I'm ready for new things, without necessarily throwing away the old.
The Driving Force Behind It All?
Despite the blessing of my inner circle, the long-distance part of it sucks. We hardly meet up due to time constraints, distance and good ole ✨financial constraints✨. It came to my attention that I would like to have casual friends who are easily accessible for company.
It would be dishonest of me if I didn't mention that I'd also like to broaden my dating pool. Your friendship circle is one avenue through which you might meet your future spouse! There is some truth to that; all my romantic relationships have been with friends of my friends. Just like shopping at a thrift shop, I tend to be eager about the possibility of having quality guys to date.
Apart from that, I have been desiring new bonds with new people. It happens to be normal since it is the third level of, you guessed it, Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Truly, a need cannot be ignored. Here's what I have been up to in terms of trying to fulfil it.
1. Joining clubs and associations
Back in high school, I was a serious club person despite my school having zero club culture. In university, however, I didn't commit myself to any club or society because I knew I couldn't give them my full attention. Additionally, I wasn't feeling most of the clubs there.
That was the case until a Model UN chapter started on my campus. I joined the International Law Community (ILC) bureau and I have been an active member ever since.
The perks are many: people assume I'm a law student🤭, I get to visit other universities, meet other students like me and I am subsequently able to improve my public speaking and writing skills.
Since clubs house people with common interests, it isn't hard to get along with fellow club members. Kenya MUN is also a club at its level; the calibre of people there won't match the kind of people you'd find in, say, Kenya Red Cross. I hope you understand what I'm saying without being too obvious.
Joining Kenya MUN has been one of my best decisions in university. I have been reaping the benefits of being associated with this club for a while now.
2. Establishing a sense of community in the church
I'm not sure I've ever explicitly mentioned my religious affiliation, but now you know.
Since COVID-19 made its debut in the country, I stopped going to church just like everybody else since public spaces were closed. Just in case you were wondering, no, I wasn't part of the people who were encouraging believers to resume in-person Church services during the pandemic. Not only did I view it as a form of fanaticism but I also viewed it as a cash-grabbing opportunity for preachers because it was a tough time financially. It was disgusting to me.
It was such a scary point in time and I remember thinking that we were all going to die. Thankfully, things have become better ever since. I resumed physically attending Sunday service when I felt ready and safe. It hasn't been that bad.
The only thing I came to discover about seeking friends within the church is that one must make the effort to engage in church activities that are beyond church service, i.e. volunteering to be an usher, part of the praise and worship team or joining Bible study. I came to that conclusion because those are the opportunities one gets to interact with peers on a deeper level. You can't do that within the slot of a service.
Church is an actual investment if you are to get the most out of it, and finding good friends there also requires dedication and willpower. (Sheesh, it's like we have to work for everything in this life!)
3. Going out to events I find intriguing
Over time, I have come to learn more about the kind of events that appeal to me. Daytime events that are preferably liquor and drug-free are my favourite ones. Finding events that align with my interests AND my preferences have my heart!
This has been working for me. Although I wouldn't call them friends, I have come to know people who seem to fit what I'd call my network. I have never been the type to purposely build a network but here I am, adulting.
Other than having a good time and networking, there's always the chance to build friendships with strangers. It hasn't happened to me yet but I acknowledge that possibility.
4. Solo dates in public spaces
One thing I love about solo dates is the confidence one builds in being alone. The comfort one feels around being by themselves by choice in public. To some, that must sound terrifying. To me, not so much. I have gone to events alone most of the time and this is just but a walk in the park.
Solo dates have given me the chance to feel secure in my being. It has led me to recognize and believe the good things about me and subsequently, that has built confidence in myself in terms of attracting, retaining and sustaining new relationships in my life.
People hardly approach me when I'm out for some ice cream or a meal alone. Maybe it's my face😂. However, that doesn't bother me because I intended to enjoy my own company.
In conclusion...
Relationships are intentional for the most part. Cultivating a pleasant albeit authentic personality whilst putting oneself out there seems to have been my formula which has been working for the most part. It most definitely is not easy but knowing that good things take time and a little bit of work makes it worthwhile.
I hope this helps anyone in the same boat as me.